Police say a Massachusetts man who allegedly stuffed 75 bottles of body lotion in his pants couldn’t make a smooth getaway, hampered by slacks that were nearly bursting at the seams.
Springfield police say 30-year-old Chamil Guadarrama of Framingham was charged with larceny after the incident Wednesday night at Bath and Body Works in the Eastfield Mall.
Police say mall security officers chased Guadarrama, but he had stuffed so many of the eight-ounce lotion containers in his pants that he could barely run. Police say he could not bend over to get in the police cruiser until some of the bottles were removed.
It could not immediately be determined if Guadarrama has an attorney. A telephone number for Guadarrama could not immediately be located Thursday.
Notable puns:
“Smooth”
“Seems like quite a slippery character.”
“What a Smooth Criminal.”
“Sounds like he really got creamed.”
There was a time, not long ago, when the term “you get what you pay for” actually meant something. There was a time when it was somewhat of a literal statement.
[Since Im starting to feel old I feel I can use this so...] Back in my day, the better the service was, the more you paid for it. Paying extra for something provided some sort of tangible benefit and it was extremely hard to deny this fact. The more I paid, the more I got. Best example would be AOL vs. Everything else.
At one point, I could realistically say that AOL ruled the internet. The question wasnt “hey do you have the internet at home?” it was “hey do you have the AOL at home?”. I mean how many free trial disks did you toss out during the 90’s? But then Netzero came along. “Internet for $9.99? Thats HALF of what AOL charges me how could I lose???!!!”. So I made the move and it was a terrible one. Filled with shattered dreams, crushing regret and tattered memories. When I called up to cancel, I was waiting for them to ask me why so I could give them what for but Im sure I said “I dont like it so much” or another stock polite statement. Though if I could go back Id say something more like:
I tried your service and found myself in an empty white room. There were two phones there. One had a sign that said ‘use this phone if you want to live’ the other had a sign that said ‘use this phone if you TRULY want to live but you will eventually experience a horrific death’. Faced with the choice that would ultimately change my life forever, I suddenly fell through a random hole in the ground. The hole closed above me and a naked man bent down to help me up. His hand was a penis and his penis was a hand… I didnt feel comfortable grabbing either so I stood up on my own. He felt insulted by this and slapped me. I wasnt sure with what but I had had enough. I found a phone, called you and here we are.
Point is, I feel that this idea has been completely lost in the shuffle. I had this realization a few nights ago on the train.
I was headed home after a late night and I had to hop on the E train. Upon stepping on the train I looked down and noticed that I was standing in fresh urine that had probably come from the bum sleeping in the corner. I wasnt angry. It was simply something that new yorkers have grown to accept because, in the end, it is what it is. There was also the knowledge that stepping out of this puddle of urine meant nothing since Id probably be stepping out of that and into dry urine that was once a puddle. I know when Im being lied to.
As I sat down on the opposite side of the car away from the easily visible urine I thought about what had just happened. Im paying more and getting less. And this seems to be the case across the board. And what bothers me is that no one is trying to hide it from me. The MTA is the biggest, most blatant perpetrator of this on both a large and small scale.
I pay more yet they cut service. I pay more yet I still have to stand on a overcrowded train getting felt up by god knows who. Women pay more yet they still have to experience dudes masturbating in front of them on trains.
Is anyone else surprised at how often this actually happens? Who ARE these dudes?!
Now Im not a fool. I dont expect everything to be fixed and for the whole system to be just peachy. Thats unrealistic and well… stupid. Its like people wondering why Obama has been in office for a year yet the country hasnt been fixed yet. But heres what Obama does that the MTA doesnt. He tricks me. Tricks me into thinking everything is fine via kind words, well written speeches and that damn smile.
LIE to me. Make me feel comfortable. If you tackle the small things then people wont pay as much attention to the big things. The Obama smile would be the MTA equivalent of ridding the trains of urine smells. Yea I have to wait a little while but at least my boots are safe. And god forbid Im wearing wallabies and it soaks in a little.
But no. Fifty cents later and Im still dragging my feet through puddles of piss… and theyre thinking about raising the fare again.
