Thanks be to gawd…

A now for some Matrix related puns:

Welcome… to the real world…

Do you think that’s cum you’re swallowing.

And so on and so forth.

You always hear stories about people growing up with regret. Not with regret in things they did do but things they didn’t. We’ve all heard this but I’m afraid that I can’t live like this. When I don’t do something, I’m not filled with regret. Why? Because I didn’t do it for a good reason: I didn’t feel like it.

Now this book presented me with a list of things I’ll never do and I can say that it was rather eye opening. It was a rather long list. And for the most part they are right. I’ll never do many of these things and it’s a bit saddening. Fact of the matter is, I’ll never:

Read Proust
Climb Everest
Learn Italian
Visit Bhutan
Write that novel/screenplay
Become a world chess champion
Rob a bank
Run away
Have a sex change
Become a queen
Become a king
Donate my liver
Become a millionaire
Go to Heaven
Walk to the north pole
Learn Russian
Live off charity
Contract an STD (crosses fingers*)
Spend a night in prison
Start a revolution
Follow this book rigorously
Celebrate Xmas in May
Learn the periodic table by heart
Go to a drive-in cinema (this one hurts)
Collect stamps
Work in a coal mine
Watch all of Bergman
Follow Mao’s teachings
Kiss a complete stranger (I tend to get to know them first)
Move to Japan
Visit Space
Invent a cookie
Wear a rucksack
Ride a Camel
Inject Heroin
Wear loafers
Speak in tongues
Faint with love
Save the world
Start a cult
Stand and speak up for my rights
Drink myself silly in New Zealand
Grow a beard
Master the yo-yo
Become a fitness instructor
Feel like Batman
Apply for a patent
Become a rock star
Live for a year on a desert island (also hurts)
Stop worrying
Use the term solutionize
Confess to a priest
Confess to a whore
Eat leaves from a tree
Graffiti a highway bridge

And that’s just the first column. This is one of those things that would succeed in motivating me for a few seconds until I fall back in my usual “why bother” attitude. It’s a hard attitude to shake I assure you. It’s pretty much who I am…

tragic really.

But I HAVE worn colored lenses. So I’m not a total dead beat.

For this task I chose Richard Ramirez aka The Night Stalker. 13 victims, currently on Death Row in San Quentin Penitentiary in California… he also has amazing bone structure.

Dear Richard Ramirez,

This has been a subject that I haven’t touched on in my blog. I told myself I wouldn’t be THAT guy and write about this. Everyone was doing it and everyone was doing it the exact same way. Big deal, who cares. But I feel it is as good of a time as any to tackle this because at least you’ll be willing to listen as I doubt there’s actually much else for you to do. And you won’t argue back either which makes me “right” by default.

Fact of the matter is, I’m not sure I actually liked the Lost finale.

As an episode it was solid. The Jack and Locke battle on the edge of cliff was, as the kiddies like to say, pretty fucking epic. As Jack foolishly dove toward the knife-wielding Locke, I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline that carried me through that inconvenient commercial break. Even the opening of the finale was fantastic as it set the general tone. When the show ended, I felt satisfied.

But then a few days passed and I realized I actually kind of wasn’t.

I’m not gonna go into what was answered and what was not. Do a quick Google search and you’ll find people who will bombard you with some list. Why did this happen, why did this person say that, what was that thing from Season 3 that I saw etc etc. For the most part these lists are fairly accurate and that’s what bugs me.

You see, vague endings are fine. Christopher Nolan…

My hero
My god
The one man I’d go gay for

has blessed us with such endings in the past. Throughout his films, things happen that can’t quite be explained. But the beauty of it is, he’ll leave plenty of clues and imply a lot of things that can help the viewer along and answer some questions. Eternal Sunshine…

the greatest movie of all time

also did this very well. Almost to the point where it’s a little scary. But the Lost writers didn’t quite accomplish this and I’d go as far as to say they didn’t even try. When you leave an ending that vague you have to leave clues for your viewer throughout. It’s almost required. I want to be able to do a massive rewatch and suddenly “get” everything. But I know for a fact I won’t be able to. Even if I went back to specifically find some answers, I’ll only be more confused:

“We’re gonna use the wheel to channel the light… and the waterrrrrrrrrr THE FUCKING ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?

Now I don’t mind a good mystery. You murdered 13 (or so) people apparently. You created a mystery for the people who chose to pursue you. You kept the authorities guessing. You frustrated them. Lost was very good at this. But in Lost, there was no orange Toyota (…why would you steal an ORANGE Toyota?). There was no “A-ha” moment. Only “A…ha? I guess? I don’t know…”

We all watched this show under the impression that eventually things would be explained, but goddammit Rich they never were. In the end, you and I are supposed to believe that this show was completely about the characters but I don’t buy it. This show was constantly about the island and it’s mysteries. So much in fact that in many scenes, I often felt the characters were acting against themselves in order to protect these mysteries. I can’t count how many times I said to myself “shouldn’t he be asking him about [insert obvious question here] instead of having this mundane conversation about this one thing that barely matters?”. And lest we forget:

“Hey Jacob where’s your BROTHER? Have you seen your BROTHER… Jacob? (I’m not gonna say his name like any normal person would because the writers won’t let me)”

It was tiring. Even more tiring were the conversations where two lead characters would sit down for what you assumed would be a revealing conversation. They would sit across from each other, there would be long pauses, dramatic camera angles and maybe even a commercial break in between. Then in the end, you would be nodding slowly, squinting your eyes trying to take in what was said and all of a sudden you’d be hit with the realization that THEY DIDN’T SAY JACK SHIT!!@!

Through it all Rich I do still love lost. I think seasons 1-4 were completely brilliant and even 5 had some great moments but I still can’t give it a pass. In the end, I’m confident this letter helped you understand better just what it means to take a life. As you sit in jail awaiting your demise, I can only hope that you don’t perish cursing your country for doing what had to be done. Because when all is said and done, who are we to say which way the wind should blow?

It’s not exactly official, but should also surprise no one: According to a new study the psychological profile of iPad owners can be summed up as “selfish elites” while have-not critics are “independent geeks.”

Of course the “haves” would probably call the “have nots” “cheap wannabes” to which the “have nots” would retort: “FANBOI!!”

Which is why we should stick to the science.

Consumer research firm MyType conducted the study, in which opinions of 20,000 people were analyzed between March and May. The firm’s conclusion was that iPad owners tend to be wealthy, sophisticated, highly educated and disproportionately interested in business and finance, while they scored terribly in the areas of altruism and kindness. In other words, “selfish elites.”

They are six times more likely to be “wealthy, well-educated, power-hungry, over-achieving, sophisticated, unkind and non-altruistic 30-50 year olds,” MyType’s Tim Koelkebeck told Wired.com.

96 percent those most likely to criticize the iPad, on the other hand, don’t even own one, although as geeks, they were slightly more likely to do so than the average population — and far more likely to have an opinion about the device one way or the other (updated). This group tends to be “self-directed young people who look down on conformity and are interested in videogames, computers, electronics, science and the internet,” said Koelkebeck.

Read the rest of the article here

Get an exclusive sneak peek at the lookbook you will see scattered and littered about the city in a few weeks. I’m literally gonna be fined and arrested and you know what… life will never be the same.

I’ll send that picture now Jenna.

Today, work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth, and get on the phone to an accredited travel agent. NB: the State Dept. currently discourages travel to the following countries: Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Zimbabwe, North Yemen. • been there done that • intend to go there this year • intend to go there sometime before I die • happy never to set foot there in my whole life.

Now let me explain why my map looks like this. I don’t like traveling. I think its the biggest scam running right now outside of being an early adopter for Mac products (you’re paying to be a field tester you know).

My idea of fun varies from moment to moment. I can have fun where I’m not intended to (predicting whether or not I’d step on something in the street 10 ft before I get to it) and be bored where I’m supposed to be having fun (any loft party I get invited to in Williamsburg). There is no set idea of “fun” in my head.

This fact alone makes me hesitant to travel.

I don’t like the idea of paying to fly somewhere just so I can pay to stay and eat somewhere and MAYbe have a decent time. It’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. I’m supposed to pay hundreds of dollars to go somewhere just to see if I like it? My ass. And people do this sorta thing all the time and it never makes much sense to me. Go around paying to look at stuff. I took a trip last year and the main fun I had was when I went rock climbing which is something I could’ve done here a mere 20 minutes from my home.

You see, when it comes to spending I think relatively. The idea of spending $500+ for a flight seems iffy to me because I automatically think of how many other things I can buy with that money. Do I want to pay for a flight to get me to and from some place that I might like or do I want to buy 100 Quiznos subs? Its a no brainer.

I do try and want to travel. Its one of those things that I want to want to do. Like reading the news and keeping a sharp eye on what’s going on in the world. But I can’t force it no matter how hard I try. Besides:

“I’m just gonna end up back here anyways…”

PONTIAC, Mich. — A woman who pleaded guilty to having sex with the biological son she gave up for adoption and later tracked down on the Internet has been sentenced nine years to 30 years in prison.

Aimee L. Sword, 36, of Waterford Township apologized at her sentencing Monday in Oakland County Circuit Court. She had pleaded guilty to one count of first-degree criminal sexual conduct in a deal with prosecutors.

Police say Sword used Facebook in 2008 to find her son, who’s now 16. She gave him up for adoption when he was only a few days old, the Detroit Free Press reported.

“When she saw this boy, something just touched off in her — and it wasn’t a mother-son relationship, it was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship,” the newspaper quoted attorney Mitchell Ribitwer as saying. “Aimee’s searching for a reason why this happened. She can’t understand it. She’s going to get some counseling.”

The boy testified they had sex in Waterford Township and Grand Rapids when he was aged 14.

Waterford Township is 30 miles northwest of Detroit.

Source

At first I laughed a bit. I thought this was a tragic coincidence where two people met on facebook and didn’t know they were mother and son. But no… that’s not it at all. This story is a bit fucked.

But I still laughed a bit.

A few things:

1. I’m not the first person to do this.
2. I won’t be the last.
3. But I aim to be the most entertaining.
4. I was gonna do the this book will change your life, again sequel but it didn’t seem as “fun”.

Yesterday while walking down the street, I saw out of the corner of my eye a mighty wallet. For those that are unaware, a might wallet is a kickass wallet made out of paper. It’s also “green” I guess but that’s not why I own one. I own it because it looks cool and it affords me the opportunity to…

I’ve never used the term “affords me”… am I using that correctly?

it affords me the opportunity to say to people “my wallet is made out of paper… jealous?… yooou’re jealous”. I’ve done this three times since Sunday afternoon. Anyways, while browsing the store, I came across a book entitled “This book will change your life”. I picked it up and skimmed. At first I was all “this is stupid” and put it down. I then picked up another book about what your poop is telling you.

A word about this book: I don’t really think it achieves the goal that it should. This is a pick up and read book but it didn’t have enough pictures and it wasn’t descriptive enough. I found it difficult to figure out which chapter I should be reading and what type of crap they were referencing. So all in all it was too challenging to follow. The book fails.

So I found myself drifting back to the life changing book and realized that this COULD actually be fun. So naturally I’m doing it. It affords me the opportunity to be more consistent with my content, which Jenna recently brought, up and also it affords me the opportunity to do the one thing I’ve always wanted to do. Blog about my life to strangers on the internet. I won’t be covering every day because some days are just less interesting than others but I do plan on sticking with this… probably… I don’t know. I have to do it for a year… yea we’ll see.

With that said:

DAY ONE

As this is your first day, you should warm up with an easy task that will only change your life a little bit

From the list, I chose Leave work five minutes early. This actually ended up working out. Somehow, this allowed me to catch a rather perfect string of trains that got me home at 7:52 rather than 8:23. So I got a few extra minutes of doing nothing at home. Already this book is paying off.

Also, as I’m currently writing this blog completely naked so I consider another item on the list Perform a strip tease (in private) indirectly completed. Not life altering… it’s just fucking hot in here is all.

I’m sorry you just had to picture me naked. I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

Every few minutes we are reminded that this world is being run by old people. Old, clueless individuals who don’t see anything wrong with the fact that there are currently 9 American Idols. Old people just don’t “get it” and they prove it time and time again. One recent example would be the introduction of 3D televisions. Some old white guy (James Cameron) convinced some other old white guy (Older white guy) that 3D was the future. But fact is, 3D was the future that we envisioned in the 80’s when we didn’t know any better because I doubt many other people want to wear glasses in their own homes just to watch a movie.

One could say the same about flying cars. What a stupid stupid idea that would be.

For a more recent example, look no further than the much anticipated [by Will Smith] Karate Kid remake. Now, I haven’t seen this movie but you know what? I know it’s awful and I can tell you why it’s awful. This review is not going to be some random tirade about Jaden Smith. As far as I can tell, aside from the Michael Jackson influenced crap his parents shroud him in, he seems to be a cool kid. I know this because I saw The Pursuit of Happiness. But there’s one thing about him that he has no control of that made Karate Kid a terrible, unwatchable movie.

He’s 12 years old.

Now there are three utterly useless things in this world:
1. The Appendix
2. The curious career of Nick Cannon
3. 12 yr olds

Center a movie around any one of those things and you’ll be “doing it wrong” (See: Drumline, Underclassman). Unless the child has superpowers or is an aspiring killer of some sort, no one gives two shits about the life of a 12 yr old. It’s one of those in-between ages that don’t really hold any weight. I can’t think of anything more insignificant in this world than a 12 yr old child. They’re those things that walk around your house eating all your food and touching all your stuff. His opinions don’t matter, if he’s good at sports he’s only “good” compared to his equally useless peers, and once he realizes he can get erections and put them inside women his focus will ultimately shift to that end and he will become even more worthless.

…the pursuit of happiness? More like the Pursuit of pus… anyways.

Thing is, I don’t care about the problems of a 12 yr old no matter how “adult” they may seem. This is why I can’t take movies like this seriously because I know nothing that happens to this child will ever actually matter. Outside of witnessing a horrendous death or something equally as traumatizing, nothing that happens to you at the age of 12 really matters. Not even 12 yr olds care about what happens to other 12 yr olds.

Which leads me to the other thing that old people keep getting wrong.

Hollywood has this serious problem where they feel the need to stick kids in every movie so the kids in the audience can relate to what’s happening on screen. This is a mistake. Karate kid looks like an adult movie played by kids but it just doesn’t work. It never works. Why not just cast competent adults and spare me the awkward “I’m acting in a movie right now” child acting made famous by Dakota Fanning in just about everything she’s done?

You see, kids don’t want to watch themselves in movies. When I was growing up, I aspired to be Donatello, Luke Skywalker and the black Power Ranger (because he was black). What I didn’t want to be was the younger Power Ranger they introduced a few seasons in. I hated that kid. I hated him because he was doing things that I could be doing but wasn’t for some reason (like saving the world). Kids prefer watching older people do stuff because their imaginations can run wild. Watching one of their peers do something in film either makes them imagine bullying the kid or being bullied by the kid. It becomes too personal. I imagine a bunch of 12 yr old hooligans sitting in the theater during Karate kid thinking “I would kick his Black ass all over Hong Kong if I were there.”

I’m not sure whose idea this was but I’m positive it started off with some old guy going up to Will Smith and saying “Hey they are doing a Karate kid remake, your kid would be great for th-blahblahblah I hate everything”. But the fact of the matter is, it’s everyone’s fault. Someone had the chance to stop this and no one stood up and spoke. I’m sure the only protests this film received were held in dark corners by the crew who more than likely didn’t want to be there:

“Hey… hey why are we doing this? Why is this movie set in Hong Kong and why is it going to take 141 minutes to tell a story about some 12 yr old child getting bullied in school?”

“…I suppose so”