OWENSBORO, Ky. – A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her.

The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at $10,000.

Source

Notable puns:

“Udderly ridiculous”

“The breast defense is a breast offense.”

Just last week, America’s first condom store, Condomania, opened its database of penis sizes and released these unique rankings of the 50 states and the 20 most populated U.S. cities by average penis size. Previously, the largest formal survey of penis sizes was conducted in 1948 by the famous Kinsey researchers, when 2,500 men recorded their erect penis sizes. In this ten-times larger database, the user measures the length and girth of his erect penis to the millimeter and then matches those results to one of 76 possible sizes that comprise different length and girth combinations. What made this all possible? In 2004, the company launched TheyFit condoms –the world’s first line of tailored-fit prophylactics.

Just think of the jokes, pun, and terminology that will ensue after this study. Here’s one: “genital relocation” — if the competition is too “stiff” in your city, you can always move to Dallas or Philadelphia where you might, um, stand out more.

Can I suggest a follow up study? Now that we know who has the biggest stick, I suggest finding out who really has the biggest balls of them all..

Here are some highlights from the study’s database:
Top Ranking State by Average Penis Size: New Hampshire
Lowest Ranking State by Average Penis Size: Wyoming

Top Ranking U.S. City by Average Penis Size: New Orleans
Second Highest Ranking City: Washington, D.C.
Lowest Ranking City by Average Penis Size: Dallas/Ft. Worth

20 CITIES ORDERED BY PENIS SIZE

1. New Orleans
2. Washington DC
3. San Diego
4. New York City
5. Phoenix
6. Portland
7. Atlanta
8. San Francisco
9. Chicago
10. St. Louis
11. Seattle
12. Miami
13. Indianapolis
14. Columbus
15. Boston
16. Denver
17. Los Angeles
18. Detroit
19. Philadelphia
20. Dallas/Ft. Worth

50 STATES ORDERED BY PENIS SIZE

1. New Hampshire
2. Oregon
3. New York
4. Indiana
5. Arizona
6. Hawaii
7. Louisiana
8. Massachusetts
9. Alabama
10. Washington
11. New Mexico
12. California
13. Arkansas
14. Nevada
15. Virginia
16. Tennessee
17. Illinois
18. Oklahoma
19. South Dakota
20. Georgia
21. Pennsylvania
22. Mississippi
23. Michigan
24. Florida
25. Rhode Island
26. Kansas
27. Maryland
28. Minnesota
29. Vermont
30. Connecticut
31. Wisconsin
32. New Jersey
33. North Dakota
34. Idaho
35. Texas
36. Missouri
37. Montana
38. Ohio
39. Nebraska
40. Colorado
41. Maine
42. North Carolina
43. Delaware
44. South Carolina
45. Kentucky
46. West Virginia
47. Alaska
48. Iowa
49. Utah
50. Wyoming

Congratulations New Orleans
Close but no cigar New York
LOL Wyoming
Alaska… shrinkage I guess?

Source

Source

The best thing about this bag is that it oozes pure Williamsburg hipster irony but none of them will be able to afford it so as a result they’ll actually end up hating it. This is poetry in motion people. Drink it in.

Police say a Massachusetts man who allegedly stuffed 75 bottles of body lotion in his pants couldn’t make a smooth getaway, hampered by slacks that were nearly bursting at the seams.

Springfield police say 30-year-old Chamil Guadarrama of Framingham was charged with larceny after the incident Wednesday night at Bath and Body Works in the Eastfield Mall.

Police say mall security officers chased Guadarrama, but he had stuffed so many of the eight-ounce lotion containers in his pants that he could barely run. Police say he could not bend over to get in the police cruiser until some of the bottles were removed.

It could not immediately be determined if Guadarrama has an attorney. A telephone number for Guadarrama could not immediately be located Thursday.

Source

Notable puns:

“Smooth”

“Seems like quite a slippery character.”

“What a Smooth Criminal.”

“Sounds like he really got creamed.”

[Since Im starting to feel old I feel I can use this so...] Back in my day, the better the service was, the more you paid for it. Paying extra for something provided some sort of tangible benefit and it was extremely hard to deny this fact. The more I paid, the more I got. Best example would be AOL vs. Everything else.

At one point, I could realistically say that AOL ruled the internet. The question wasnt “hey do you have the internet at home?” it was “hey do you have the AOL at home?”. I mean how many free trial disks did you toss out during the 90’s? But then Netzero came along. “Internet for $9.99? Thats HALF of what AOL charges me how could I lose???!!!”. So I made the move and it was a terrible one. Filled with shattered dreams, crushing regret and tattered memories. When I called up to cancel, I was waiting for them to ask me why so I could give them what for but Im sure I said “I dont like it so much” or another stock polite statement. Though if I could go back Id say something more like:

I tried your service and found myself in an empty white room. There were two phones there. One had a sign that said ‘use this phone if you want to live’ the other had a sign that said ‘use this phone if you TRULY want to live but you will eventually experience a horrific death’. Faced with the choice that would ultimately change my life forever, I suddenly fell through a random hole in the ground. The hole closed above me and a naked man bent down to help me up. His hand was a penis and his penis was a hand… I didnt feel comfortable grabbing either so I stood up on my own. He felt insulted by this and slapped me. I wasnt sure with what but I had had enough. I found a phone, called you and here we are.

Point is, I feel that this idea has been completely lost in the shuffle. I had this realization a few nights ago on the train.

I was headed home after a late night and I had to hop on the E train. Upon stepping on the train I looked down and noticed that I was standing in fresh urine that had probably come from the bum sleeping in the corner. I wasnt angry. It was simply something that new yorkers have grown to accept because, in the end, it is what it is. There was also the knowledge that stepping out of this puddle of urine meant nothing since Id probably be stepping out of that and into dry urine that was once a puddle. I know when Im being lied to.

As I sat down on the opposite side of the car away from the easily visible urine I thought about what had just happened. Im paying more and getting less. And this seems to be the case across the board. And what bothers me is that no one is trying to hide it from me. The MTA is the biggest, most blatant perpetrator of this on both a large and small scale.

I pay more yet they cut service. I pay more yet I still have to stand on a overcrowded train getting felt up by god knows who. Women pay more yet they still have to experience dudes masturbating in front of them on trains.

Is anyone else surprised at how often this actually happens? Who ARE these dudes?!

Now Im not a fool. I dont expect everything to be fixed and for the whole system to be just peachy. Thats unrealistic and well… stupid. Its like people wondering why Obama has been in office for a year yet the country hasnt been fixed yet. But heres what Obama does that the MTA doesnt. He tricks me. Tricks me into thinking everything is fine via kind words, well written speeches and that damn smile.

LIE to me. Make me feel comfortable. If you tackle the small things then people wont pay as much attention to the big things. The Obama smile would be the MTA equivalent of ridding the trains of urine smells. Yea I have to wait a little while but at least my boots are safe. And god forbid Im wearing wallabies and it soaks in a little.

But no. Fifty cents later and Im still dragging my feet through puddles of piss… and theyre thinking about raising the fare again.

List of quotes that have no business on this list:

“Im too old for this shit”

“Shit just got re… no wait thats fine.

“Thats ENOUGH. I have had it, with these motha fucking snakes on this motha fuckin plane!”

“You had me at hello” :’(

“I know Kung fu”

“TONIGHT, WE DINE, IN HELL!!!”

“Stop eating my sesame cake”

“KILLING ME WONT BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY!!!”

List of “seriously what the fucking is that quote doing on this list” list:

“GET OFF MY PLANE!”

“We’re gonna live on… we’re gonna survive… today we celebrate our independence day!!!”