Monthly Archive for April, 2010

Google age or “why I don’t want to know if I should wipe standing up or sitting down”

30 April 2010

Google

I like knowing things. I enjoy it as much as the next person. I like knowing that if I ever had head lice, I could put mayonnaise in my hair to get rid of it. I like knowing that foot odor can be stopped by soaking my feet in tea. I also like knowing how to look like the most badass mother fucker walking the earth.

Google image search: Professor Badass

But with great power comes great responsibility and I believe that it is our responsibility to wield this power only if need be. So with that… I must say that I feel there are certain things that aren’t meant to be known. More specifically, not everything is meant to be Googled.

You see, life is nothing more than a series of mysteries and what if’s. I feel Google is taking this away from us and I had this realization today at work. You see I get bored very easily and during these times I tend to go out of my way to both entertain and innocently manipulate. We were unpacking a box that just so happened to be filled with foam peanuts and I told my production manager that they were the edible kind. So I tried one in front of him. He was naturally curious, baffled and disgusted. But you know what? He tried one. I felt this was a victory but as I was walking back to my desk, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell I had just eaten.

Could I have Googled? Yes. But I didn’t.

One part “it didn’t actually taste the bad” two parts “I really dont wanna know”. I sit here comforted and covered from head to toe in my own ignorance in the matter. Ignorance is bliss as they say but we aren’t all saying it. This is a crime. A crime against ourselves and a crime against those around us.

I’ve been on the internets for as long as I can remember and for as long as l’ve been here, there have been two heated debates raging on to what seemed like no end. I feel these are the only two debates that will ever matter:

1. If a plane is on a runway that is actually a treadmill going in the opposite direction at the exact same speed as the plane, will the plane be able to take off?

and

2. When you are taking a shit, are you a stander or a sitter?

Both of these questions seem like non-issues and I would half agree with you if you said that. I mean what does it matter? A plane will never relevantly be on a giant treadmill and if there are nuts out there who want to stand while they wipe then so be it (I’m a sitter) but this is far deeper than that. These two questions represent some of the last opportunities for us to have uninformed opinions about nothing.

Everyone is going to debate about healthcare for instance. And there will always be some informed guy in the room who will shut you down with facts and logic. But these two questions never seemed to have a logical answer. Not for a long time anyway… then myth busters came along. Or as I call it “televised Google”. The mystery of the plane debate was instantly broken down in a half hour of television that just should’ve never happened. One side of the debate rejoiced and the other side was saddened. But in the end, both sides took on the same somber attitude similar to the one we all felt when Darth Vader’s mask came off in StarWars:

“…is that it?”

Quite frankly, I don’t know whether or not there is a true answer to the sitting vs standing argument. I’m sure there’s some logical reason involving sanitary issues or what have you but this debate should live on. The day this debate dies is the day the now pretentious majority definitively takes over. It’s the day when everyone’s sentences will being with “Well actually…”. This won’t be a good day.

Man charged with harassment for posting Craigslist ad offering orgy with neighbor

22 April 2010


StandingInLine
Craigslist Bogus Ad Case Continued
Ad Offered Group Sex With ‘Soccer Mom’

POSTED: 9:32 am EDT April 22, 2010
UPDATED: 10:35 am EDT April 22, 2010

HARTFORD, Conn. — A West Hartford man accused of posting a bogus ad on Craigslist that offered group sex with his “soccer mom” neighbor, was scheduled to face a judge on Thursday. The case was continued to another day.

Philip James Conran, 42, is charged with reckless endangerment, harassment, criminal liability for sex assault and more, police said. Police said Conran, a restaurant chef, posted the ad on the site on April 5 pretending to be the neighbor. The ad said she wanted to fulfill her fantasy of group sex and listed her address. Within two hours of the ad being posted, police said, 12 men showed up at the house, located in West Hartford’s South End.

Police said the ad led to a sexual assault at another West Hartford home. Police said Richard Zeh, 29, of Newington read the ad and showed up at the wrong home looking to have sex. Police said Zeh sexually assaulted an 18-year-old woman at that address.

Zeh is claiming his dyslexia is to blame.

Lt. Stephen Estes, of the West Hartford Police Department, said, “She was like, ‘You got the wrong place. This is not where the Craigslist ad applies.’ Well, now he thinks she is playing hard to get, so this sort of ups his tempo. So he said, ‘Well, this ad said this was the address.’ and she said, ‘No, you got the wrong place. Get out of my house.’ ” Zeh said he felt a connection to the 18-year-old. Coincidentally, the 18-year-old said she recognized the man from a previous encounter at a greater-Hartford gym.

Zeh was charged with sexual assault.

Source

Goodbye Fembauer

13 April 2010

As I watched the silent countdown, I was faced with the crushing fact that it was not Tuesday. Today, I would’ve been comforted by the wonderful shoulder of Lost. In Lost, there would always be a chance that she would be present in an alternate universe created by a nuclear bomb. There would always be chance that an overweight lottery winner would play a game of chess or scrabble with her.

But no… it was Monday. And it was 24.

Last season, we were introduced to an FBI agent by the name of Renee Walker. She generally followed the rules, disagreed with the methods of Jack Bauer. And who wouldn’t? This is a man who tortured people at a moments notice in the pursuit of information and didn’t think twice about it. He seemed to have no remorse. No mercy. These were traits that an incompetent FBI agent couldn’t possibly fathom. But more and more we saw a change in her. We slowly became witness to “the birth”.

Midway through the season it became increasingly apparent that she would not end this day the same person that she began it. Would this be for the good? We didn’t know. All we knew was that Jack Bauer would finally have an equal. Or perhaps a replacement. Because let’s face it, how many bad days could this one man have? How many times is he going to save millions of lives? The only other person to accomplish as much as Jack Bauer would be Will Smith and, as we all know, eventually people would begin to ask “this f’n guy again?”.

So when all was said and done, when the dust had cleared, we saw the eminent death of Jack Bauer and the birth… of Fembauer. And it was a great moment.

I watched Season 8 in anticipation of her return and nothing more. I didn’t care about Jack Bauer. I didn’t care about Kim. I didn’t even care that the black guy from species was somehow the head of CTU. None of this mattered. I just waited. I waited patiently.

And finally she arrived.

Everything about her return was perfect down to the triumphant way she stepped out of that helicopter. And this:

Renee

was without a doubt one of the sexiest shots I’ve ever seen.

But her return was less than I had hoped I must admit. She returned a broken woman. Broken, suicidal and a little emo. But then she cut a man’s hand off without even a hint of hesitation and I melted.

But tonight, we lost Fembauer. She knew too much and SOMEone (The Russians… all of them) felt she had to go. I don’t blame the writers. She was too perfect to live. She and Jack Bauer had only moments before made love and, quite frankly, the thought of them producing an offspring was probably a bit too much to fathom. He (or she…) would have more than likely been born as a bolt of electricity or a ball of blue fire. Difficult to control, impossible to extinguish.

So here we are, in a world that contains no Fembauer. There are many that feel empty and cheated. Even more that want justice. Me? I want nothing. I already had all I wanted and it’s been taken away. All that’s left now is to let all this run it’s course I suppose.

RAPE: The game

2 April 2010

Nojapan

A few days ago, I was waiting for Anderson Cooper to come on and I came across a segment about Rape games in Japan. The game was called “Rapelay” and it allowed gamers to fondle and rape women in train stations and dark alley’s. The news story was, of course, very negative and was used as a tool to keep parents aware of what Japanese kids were playing overseas…

wait a minute let me say that again.

The news story was, of course, very negative and was used as a tool to keep parents aware of what Japanese kids were playing overseas…

I find this concept strange. CNN explained that they called the “Japanese government” for comment and they didn’t return their calls. This did not surprise me. If someone looked in my window and witnessed me watching the Twilight saga and decided to come knocking on my door asking me “why” I’d probably slam the door in their face because, quite frankly, it’s none of their business.

So here’s my question: Why are we worrying about what teenage boys do in Japan? This would be very similar to Japan calling the “American government” wondering why we are allowing Channing Tatum and Nick Cannon to still have careers. This is something that just doesn’t concern them and they would never make it a point to actually make it their business.

Rape games aren’t popular in America. There are a few nerds that download and import these games but society generally does not care about these nerds because they are insignificant nerds with nerd tendencies and practices. They’re being played by Americans that barely exist therefore this should be considered a non-issue in America. Yet CNN is talking about is as if it’s some direct concern.

This is a prime example of what happens in the news when Anderson Cooper isn’t involved.

As I said, Rape games aren’t popular in America. Im sure that CNN had a goal. And this goal was to raise awareness of Rape games but all the really did was make people aware that there ARE rape games to begin with and this is backwards to me. Ignorance is bliss, especially with kids. So giving them the name of Rape games and where to find them is bizarre, twisted and counter productive. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “But Adam, kids don’t watch CNN” and they don’t. But there’s always word of mouth. They’re parents are going to casually ask them if they have heard of Rapelay. They’re going to ask them if the play these games. And you know what the kids will say?

“No… I’ve never played any of these games…*mumbles under breath* but I do now.”

Ten years from now when a child says he learned to Rape efficiently by playing the game Rapelay, I hope we all look back at this moment. Let them say it was CNN. Let them say I lived in a time when Rapelay was a non-issue. Let them say… where was Anderson Cooper…?

Disclaimer: I realize how hypocritical this post is so don’t bother. Delete that sentence you have typed that begins with “But Adam, you’re doing the same exact thing you accussed CNN blah blah blah”.