Monthly Archive for April, 2009

When the hell did fake questions become real questions?

25 April 2009

Normal human conversation has seen one dramatic change that cant be ignored.

It was observed by a few nerds at some college that texting and instant messaging were making our youth socially handicapped. That while they could go on and on for hours about nothing online with each other, in real life during socially driven moments they became zombies because they werent used to the personal aspect of it all. Social retards whom without the help of emoticons and clever acronyms were unable to communicate past normal human banter.

:O

Now throughout the day, you can walk down the street and see things that are just “wrong”. You see black people having friendly conversations with cops. You see people of normal height dating midgets with NO intention of being ironic. You see white people walking around with Kayaks on their heads in areas around Brooklyn that I was told to NEVER set foot in as a child.

But one thing that bothers me above all is the fact that the term “How are you” has somehow become a real question.

In the past few months Ive been noticing that when I start a conversation with someone by asking how they are, I no longer get the “Im cool and yourself” answer that Ive grown accustomed to. I get an unwanted 10-20 minute conversation of just how that person is feeling. And I get specific reasons as to why the person feels the way they feel. I hear about periods, lost jobs, herpes medicine and the downward life spiral that each problem has initiated.

I learn more about that one person in 10 mins than I have about my mom in 24 yrs. All the while Im thinking to myself “Id rather kill you right now in cold blood and go to jail for the rest of my life than listen to another word of this”. Long gone are conversations that play out normally…

GUY Sooooo, what do you do?
GIRL Graphic designer
GUY You like it?
GIRL Its alright
GUY cool…
GIRL …
GUY …
GIRL …
GUY …sex now?

I feel violated. I feel tricked into a conversation with someone I just wanted to politely acknowledge on my way to the average looking girl with low self esteem standing right behind them.

We’ve grown too accustomed to answering this question. Everywhere you look you can see awkward conversations happening all around you. The thought of casual conversation and “the easy way out through passive questioning” has been destroyed by the sickening desire for one to express themselves.

I blame the Real World.

And not in any specific definitive way*. But one must admit that in some small fashion, this generation and the one immediately following is being raised by MTV programming. This “how are you” fiasco is proof positive.

MTV has tricked people into thinking that everyone cares about their problems. Tricked people into thinking they should express themselves to every random drunk they meet at Joshua Tree. Treating the world as their own personal confessional. Its disgusting. Now I could view this as an evolution of culture where people are becoming more personal and actually communicating but I just cant. Not when Im forced into a conversation about a band I could give two shits about after the person I asked “how are you” responds with “yea Ive been listening to some new music and Im gonna spend the next 20 minutes force feeding it to you and telling you why Arcade Fire isnt as good a band as everyone thinks and why Bjork is pure genius.”

Its only a matter of time before Im at a party and someone suggests we have a “party meeting” with the aims of “confronting” the douchebag who just walked in going up to every girl and creeping them out by complementing them on how they have that certain “-ness”.

…

Im gonna be thrown out of a lot of parties.

* lies

How does Angel Lola Luv wipe her ass properly…

11 April 2009

Recently, I was sent a few pictures of Angel Lola Luv. More specifically, I was sent pictures of Angel Lola Luv’s ass. Now I enjoy a sizable ass as much as the next guy but there’s a line. Accompanying these pictures were comments from a few men responding with such gems as “DAMN I wouldnt mind infiltrating that” and “wow… anal please”.

I’ve found that the use of “infiltrate” in this manner is probably the most optimal use of that word.

But upon viewing it, two thoughts immediately crossed my mind:

How could she possibly wipe her ass properly?
and
The heat and sweat that builds up during the day must create a most horrendous smell toward the end of the night

It then dawned on me that somewhere in the course of human history (possibly in the last two decades or so) the likes and dislikes of men have been defined so specifically and they often overtake basic logic. In that we somehow dont even question what we like any more. A strange, baffling concept that makes us want women whose most notable features could prevent them from having good hygiene qualities.

When I was little and long nails were “in”, my uncle forbid his daughter to get them because he felt that she wouldnt be able to clean her vagina properly. Same idea. True story.

There are many things we could blame for such a thing. For the sake of not making this too long, Im going to sit in my vacuum and say porn could be a rather large, hilarious part. Porn, over the years, has changed the way men view sex*. The most potent example of bizarre aspects of culture being glorified in such a way to make us want things that in essence no one truly “likes” in any logical sense outside of maybe basic novelty. Like Angel’s gross ass.

Take cumming in a girls face for example. There’s no logical or, should I say, tangible reason for anyone to enjoy doing this**. The closest explanation anyone could muster is as follows:

Men tend to like it because of the feeling of dominance and power (could there be any other reason…) and women tend to like it because the guy likes it (could there be any other reason…)

which is pretty ironic when you think about it.

But Ive tried this and immediately realized that it is very much an “in the moment” type of act. Afterwards I went through a roller-coaster ‘o’ emotion. Feeling amused because it just looked funny. Feeling glad because I didnt get any in her hair…

because as I understand, doing this is amongst the rudest things you can do to a girl during sex…***

Then feeling rather disgusted and immediately wanting her to go wash her face. Cant say I “liked” it.

Though Im hesitant to apply this thinking to the act of swallowing. I, personally, like when women do it because I dont have to worry myself with cleaning up. And Id like to think that women see it as a game of “what will it taste like this time”. But again… I could be alone on that one.

I once got “Golden Crisps” and I must say Im STILL riding the high off of that one.

But the same thinking could be applied to anal. Ive tried it, and all I got out of it was a smelly penis and a girl in pain. A friend of mine tried it, made the horrific mistake of pulling out too fast and … its contents spilled out all over his couch and floor.

Fun?

Perhaps we are just re-volving. Going back to our animalistic roots and returning to time that made more sense. The good ol’ days where the word taboo didnt exist and you didnt have to hide the fact that, despite being repulsed by it, youd seen the 2girls 1cup video roughly every day for the last 2 weeks with no regret.

* could you imagine anyone sitting around considering peeing on someone else without SOME sort of influence?
** except maybe that we arent truly supposed to enjoy it all
*** …other than saying you were about to cum while actually planning to punch her in the face instead

Thats enough Owen Wilson

4 April 2009

Take a look back through Owen Wilson’s various roles in movies and you’ll notice one simple thing: He pretty much plays the the same guy every time. Lovable fuck-up who speaks softly. Has a very positive outlook on life and generally gets the girl and his nose is somehow never a factor.

Women love him. And whats more, most women dont even know they love him. While they dont quite love Owen Wilson the person, they love Owen Wilson the idea. They watch Wedding Crashers, they watch Meet the Parents and without knowing it, they instantly start cataloging everything Owen Wilson does that you cant.

Its in their nature. I call this the “Owen Wilson filter”.

The filter kicks in the second you start talking to a woman. We’d like to think that when talking to a girl in a bar, we’re trying to avoid being a douche bag, boring, or trying not to make it painfully obvious that all the questions we ask are just a distraction and a chance for us to chant (in our heads)…

dont look at her tits

dont mention your pet turtles

dont get a hard on

Or if we happen to get one…

How can I tuck this up into my waist band without her noticing *

But we’re wrong. All of these things we try not to do embodies that very notion that we’re subconsciously trying to be Owen Wilson the idea. We’re trying to bypass the filter. Every ride the L train and see that strange looking kid with the plaid pants confidently sporting a cock bulge walking around with the most beautiful Williamsburg girl youve ever seen? You bet your ass at some point he did something similar to adding a “-ness” to the end of her name and telling her she had that little ’something’**.

And when you get serious, it only gets worse. She’ll be sitting around the house, watching you play Grifball all the while wondering why you havent asked her to engage in some fun activity like that hand reflex game. A game that she finds exciting, but most men just look at as a way to get away with mild domestic abuse.

I could be alone on that one I dont know.

But Im not sitting here telling you to BE Owen Wilson. Thatd be foolish. We can all agree that without Vince Vaughn, Wedding Crashers wouldve just be Owen Wilson crying on a beach, thrashing about the back of women’s hands. But when you talk to that girl at the local Trader Joes and she makes it apparent that she wants NOTHING to do with you, just know…

you probably lacked the “-ness”

Either that or your face sucked.

* you cant
** You, me and Dupree (2006)