Monthly Archive for March, 2009

When you talk, Im more than likely wondering what it would be like to cum in space

31 March 2009

If there’s one thing Ive realized about Quentin Tarantin’s Deathproof its that men love it in spurts, women love it in general. I didnt personally understand my distaste until I recently watched it again and came to the rather obvious realization that The movie is only remotely entertaining when the mouths of the women have closed.

Hear me out…*
Now I dont mind Tarantino’s style. Riddled with 20 minute long conversations where the characters suddenly decide in that moment to have the most thought provoking, unrealistic dialog possible ultimately making the viewer question the very validity of the reality they live in.

But I didnt quite have that experience that here. Whenever they started talking, I went through 3 very specific modes of thought

What are they gonna talk about?

What are they talking about?

What the fuck were they just talking about?

The amount of nothing that spewed from their mouths was of such mass that any normal man would think that this was a 15 minute movie because he spent so much time zoning out thinking about relevant things like I wonder what would it be like to cum in space** and didnt really catch all the parts between the girl getting her face wheeled off and the guy getting his face heeled in.

I believe women should be shown this movie in the same way black highschool kids should be shown a weeks worth of Maury episodes. Credits roll, lights come back on, look them square in the eye and say:

And that’s what you would look like if someone pointed a camera at you

A tool for realization. An explanation of sorts as to why I dont hear every [read: a] word you say. Going on and on about nothing will not gain my attention. It will only make we wish I could somehow staple your mouth shut and not have you hold a grudge. A chance to develop a phrase as to not say “please stop talking” and be able to cushion the blow by mentioning your favorite movie:

“…wha?…oh Im sorry you lost me because you were deathproofing”

* Im gonna get so much shit for this
** Pretty much the only reason Ive ever considered being an astronaut

Needs more herpes signs

14 March 2009

I recently got into a rather deep conversation with a friend of mine. During the convo he…

or she…

informed me that he…

or she…

had Herpes. I then went on to ask whether or not they had told their current mate and I got the surprising answer of “hell no”. Not so much a “no” but a “hell no”. Like the mere thought of telling their sexual partner that they were … foul … was completely ludicrous.

Now I get the whole patient doctor confidentiality thing. I get that everyone is entitled to their privacy but there IS a line. And that line starts when any one of my co-workers can walk up to my desk blowing herp-leavins’ from their crotch directly into my mouth without me even being remotely aware*.

Its scary. When I people watch, I find that more often than not this simple time killer of an act quickly turns into a game of “guess that STD”. Not only is it fun, but you always feel “right”. You feel psychic, all knowing.

When I see a “williamsburg” I see Gonorrhea
When I see an emo kid I see Herpes
When I see a man in a suit I see AIDS
When I see a girl wearing a shirt that says “daddy’s little princess” I see all of em

But I dont want to guess, I want to know. Hate the feeling of walking into a bar and talking to some girl all the while praying to god she doesnt throw herpes in my mouth while Im down there “having at it”. I suggest signs. Giant signs hung around the neck telling everyone whats going on around the mouth and crotch. They dont have to be signs that just say “AIDS HERE”. That would be rude. They could be clever little lines that are meant to inform but still be a joy to look at.

POOL CLOSED DUE TO AIDS
Crazy? Yes. I know. And this will never happen but its probably the only way we’ll be able to survive as a species. What type of society do we live in where someone can walk around spreading the foul without having to tell anyone? Its barbaric. Its disgusting.

* not suggesting that any of my co-workers have herpes…though I am weary of one ~_~

Modern art… EL OH EL

7 March 2009

So in 2007 Guillermo Vargas Habakkuk tied a dog to the wall of an art Gallery, refused to feed it and [allegedly] allowed it to starve to death. He called it “art”. Now this is not some typical “cruelty toward animals” type of blog. Everyone is doing that, I’ll have no part. This has more to do with me questioning it all.

So here’s my question:

…. .. . .. .. .. …. . . ….. .. .what?


I dont quite GET modern art. I dont think anyone does and I suppose thats the point but is this some sort of joke that everyone gets but me?

“Hey Guill, whaddaya gonna do next? Painting? Sculpture?”
“Naw Im gonna tie a dog to a wall and not feed it”
“w…why”
“…….. .. .. . . .. .fuck you”

And the worst part is, they want him to do it again next year. Yea one could say they want him to “perform this groundbreaking, controversial exhibition” again to make it sound official and somehow significant but call it what it is and it sounds undeniably ridiculous.

Can you starve a dog in a empty white room again next year?

It is becoming maddeningly obvious that you can call just about anything art these days. Im waiting for some Brit to wipe himself in a giant sheet after masturbating everyday for 9 months, hang it up in a room lit with black light and proceed to tell everyone hes speaking out against abortion*.

Art…**

This is quite similar to my confusion towards furniture these days. It seems as if the more expensive your furniture gets, the less practical it is. $500 chair with no back that makes me sit as if I have a cock in my ass or something. $400 glasses so fragile that they break when you WASH THEM (true story). But its art.

I have a co-worker who spoke of a couch she was buying for $3000. I recently got the grand tour of her apartment and encountered said couch. To my dismay, I sat down and realized it didnt even have an armrest. In fact, it had everything BUT an armrest and it even lacked general comfort as my ass didnt feel like it was being held by 3g’s.

Hey trendy home owner…where the fuck do I lean?!

* If anyone does this Im fucking suing…because I might do it.
** You just lost the game