Monthly Archive for February, 2009

OH so you dont own a television? How unfathomably pretentious of you to tell me this

21 February 2009

Whenever Im out being social in the world, the subject of LOST tends to come up. Im not always the one to mention it (…blatant lie) but sooner or later it IS mentioned. In said situation, Im always guaranteed 1 of 3 responses:

1. OMG DID YOU SEE IT LAST WEEK1!???!
2. Nah I dont watch that, I never really got into it

or

3. …I dont own a tv

See, telling people you dont own a tv has become the “IN” thing to do these days to make yourself appear smarter than the average bear…much like using the word facetious* instead of just saying funny or humorous…

…

Its not so much the statement that bothers me but the look on ones face when they say it. The perfect mixture of “Im better than you” and “I want to explain to you how television is pure evil”.

And the facetious thing is, you know for a fact that theyve had this conversation MANY times before and youre already well aware of what theyre going to say down to the last uninspired simile. This is what Id like to call “confrontational bait”. Meant to make you respond in such a way that will enable them to bombard you with the stock arguments they overheard in Williamsburg during that SWEET gallery opening they went to last Thursday. Yet youre still curious about what theyre going to spew.

So you say it

The one statement that will undoubtedly spark a 30 minute long debate of unwavering personal opinion…

“YOU DONT OWN A TV!??!?…GET THE FUCK OUT!@@!@!!!”

This is when they lift their shoulders to about ear-level…raise their eyebrows inward…shake their heads rapidly from side to side and say “…I just dont see the point really”. And the beat goes on.

Now make no mistakes, there’s nothing particularly wrong with not owning a TV. There are many reasons as to why a person would opt out of owning one. Money issues, sensitive pupils, no space in that studio apartment they pay 1700 a month for. But truth be told, I dont hate you for your choice … I just dont care is all.

So Ive effectively found a way to turn a potential 30 minute conversation into one that would last a mere 30 seconds:

“Yea I dont own a television that shit rots your brain”
“Wow really? How interesting……. .. .. . ……yea so who brought the asshole…?”

Dont shave your asshole… ever

9 February 2009

At some point in every mans life, they come to the realization that their ass isnt as beautiful as it could be. He wonders what he could do, what methods he can take, how and when to take said actions etc etc. The answer takes a while to stumble upon, but only because its so obvious and easily overlooked.

“I’ll shave my asshole”

What better way to solve the problem than to get rid of those unsightly hairs plaguing the area around me anus right?

WRONG

There are a couple of things wrong with this line of thinking. A couple of things that no man would know unless another man who went through

the displeasure

tells him of

the displeasure

First thing you’ll immediately notice after shaving your ass is that the hair is DEFINITELY there for a reason. Its basically to maintain some sort of texture and friction. Without it…without it…you’ll soon realize that while your ass is now smooth, its actually too smooth. WAY too smooth. You’ll walk around feeling as if there are two wet banana peels lodged in your ass. But thats not the worst part…

When the hair starts growing back…and it will…thats when the true displeasure starts. Constant prickly sensations haunting your every step and turn. Sitting down will become impossible. Wiping? Dont even think about it.

No man should ever have to go through such a thing but I almost feel its necessary. Its a life lesson. Similar to contracting an STD. If you dont have one, then you’ll never feel as if youre doing “wrong”*.

This is almost the male version of high heels except far more painful and a bit more soggy.

“This is indeed the price of vanity…how does it taste”

* I dont have one…just sayin is all.