Monthly Archive for November, 2008

Why Mrs. Doubtfire is one of the most underrated movies of all time

26 November 2008

A father loses his children in a custody battle. He loves his children. Loves them more than god (whom he never mentions so I must assume hes an atheist). He wont let the law get in his way so what does he do?

Dresses up as a 60 yr old english women and becomes their nanny.

Many would call this movie some sort of glorification of drag queenism. I call it a genius. I call it the very reason why the West 4th street station is alright in my book. Despite all the balls dangling from the short skirts.

Yea I said it.

Mrs. Doubtfire shows us that you gotta do what you gotta do. No matter how degrading. No matter how uncomfortable. Would I wear a pair of tits and make up in order to see my kids? No. And this makes me a flawed person. Mrs. Doubtfire points out this very apparent fact. The fact that Im not willing to do what I gotta do in order to get it done.

This movie should be shown in highschools across the universe (another great movie) to show kids that if you arent willing to do what it takes, then they arent worth feeding. All the while theyre laughing at all the hilarious antics. But…theyre learning.

Mrs. Doubtfire also contains one of the greatest movie moments in history. I wont get into it in great detail, because Im sure most of you have seen this movie, but it can be described in one sentence:

“Holy crap…the nanny pees standing up.”

The camera angle
The kids face
The fact that Robin Williams bolted out of the bathroom and there is no way he got his penis back into his suit

Note : I only realized this recently. For the entire conversation, he pretty much has his penis out under his dress. All I can think whenever I see that scene is “wow that must be extremely uncomfortable. In front of his kids and all.”

But I digress.

There is no graceful way for a man to take off his pants

15 November 2008

Sex is inherently awkward.

There are so many things that can happen in bed to make it a little more goofy than you intended. Falling off of the bed, attempting some new maneuver that just falls flat, trying to climax on her but missing and hitting the bed instead thus creating more laundry for the bed owner (I hope my little sister isnt reading this) so forth and so on.

But these things can generally be avoided if you just pay attention a little. But as the subject title states, there’s no graceful way for a man to remove his pants.

Ive often tried to change up my methods for this necessary act and have fallen flat every time. I once tried comically kicking them off only to knock down about 6 picture frames sitting on the dresser across the room. The crash and crackle of it all caused me to lose my erection.

I still havent recovered.

Sorry ladies.

The problem, more often than not, lies with the socks. For example, they drastically changed my intended pant trajectory and caused them to hurtle towards the dresser in what can only be describe as a not so lethal gunshot to the mini family and friend photo display mentioned above.

My socks cause me to get stuck at that oh so crucial moment where you’re just about to get them off and continue on your merry way. But the struggle can be intense. Lasting minimum 15 seconds all the while youre coming to the realization that all you really had to do was take your socks off and you wouldve been fine. God forbid you let out a fart because of all the straining.

This has never happened to me but Im only 23 and this pretty much solidifies the fact that this WILL happen at some point in my life … and that scares me.

[/off topic rant]

The fact of the matter is that every situation that you fear most will become a reality at some point. Its never a matter of ‘if’ but a matter of ‘when’ especially if you REALLY dont want it to happen. The trick is to ask for it, expect it, and chances are it will never come to pass. I wake up every morning saying:

“I hope I gets the AIDS or other various STDs today” and you know what?

Im clean.

*Above method probably wont work and youre a fool to think it would.*

[/second off topic rant]

So in conclusion:

Take off your socks.

Facebook made me Bi

12 November 2008

I swear there’s no better way to say “I can’t find a man” than to put that youre married to your best [girl] friend on facebook.

This is becoming a rather widespread trend and Im a bit tired of seeing it. So much that Id consider going back and tearing apart the very fabric of time in my effort to stop it. Nevertheless, it DOES have its benefits

I hate my new mom…

10 November 2008

Now dont get me wrong. I dont mind change. Things change for a reason and whether or not the reason is known to me Im aware that theres ALWAYS a reason. I dont pry and I dont cry.
Cast changes in any show are made to be seamless. A graceful transition from one actor to another and as the audience we put a face of “ok whatever I’ll keep watching even though I dont like the new chick”.

I never once questioned how the Cosby’s SUDDENLY concieved a fifth [older] child a few seasons in. I never questioned how the blonde daughter changed from the loveable odd man out in the Conner family to typical blonde bimbo in one seasons time then back to the loveable odd man out in the Conner family in the very next season. And I didnt even question where the hell Judy went on Family Matters

We later found out she snuck of the house to pursue a career in porn.

But for the life of me I was never able to understand why they chose THAT actress to play Vivian during the later seasons of Fresh Prince.

It wasnt a seamless change by any means. She got fatter, yellower, quieter and dressed the same way all the time (”SWEET ZOOT SUIT MOM!!!”). Uncle Phil might as well have gotten remarried. It wasnt the same Vivian, not even close.

The first Vivian struck fear into her children. When she spoke they listened. She had a certain grace about her and a stern look that could tame the likes of Aries himself.

Aries is the God of War. He fucks shit up.

The second Vivian was just there. Barely a parent. Didnt sit her children down once to discuss the finer points of life. Didnt teach them lessons about Malcom X. Never once put on a nighty and threw herself in an seductive way onto the biggest bed Ive ever seen. All she did was this.

…

PHILIP!!!

*vacant look*

She [and Hilary] almost ruined a perfect show. I can only hope in the dvd they just cut and paste a piece of looseleaf over her face (the more terrible the effects the better) that reads:

“our bad”

Maury’s solution for out of control underage teens… situps?

9 November 2008

Now Im not gonna sit here and lie to you. Maury is a guilty pleasure for me. I hate it but for some reason I cant stop watching. I cant quite tell you how many hours of my life have been wasted lying in bed, watching women run to the back of the studio after realizing that a million people watching at home just found out she was kind of a hooker. Other shows in this bracket include:

My Super Sweet 16
Parental control
Date my Mom
Me and Jackies sex vid

The truth of the matter is, Maury is a shit talk show host. Calling his show a “talk show” is a bit of a stretch even. He pretty much spends the entire show trying his best to make his guests cry and run to the back of the studio. Its like a sick game for him.

For instance, when he’s reading the results of a lie detector test, he reveals the worst result (ie: your daughter slept with 20 dudes … at once … in your bed) and the mother falls to the floor. Maury then quickly runs to her side in a creepy paternal manner and says calmly “wait I have to read the rest of these”.

WHY? HAVENT YOU HURT HER ENOUGH?

And then today, in one of the worst things he has ever done, a mother is talking about her 14 yr old daughter and he feels this is a great time to look back and say “hey who’s this?” whilst putting up a picture of her daughter at the age of 6 when she wasnt a whore.

The mom cried some more. Maury smiled a little. Fuck him.

But what gets me are his “solutions” to these problems. In what can only be described as “odd shock therapy”, he does the very LAST thing you should do to help someone. You scared of cats? Here’s a parade of cats we put together in your honor. You hate loud noises? Anyone have a chalkboard? Oh you dont like large crowds? Oh Im sorry, for some reason we forgot to let the studio audience in before the show … OH LOOK HERE THEY COME NOW.

The biggest wtf for me occures when he comes up with the be all end all solution for sexually active 14 yr olds.

Bootcamp

Since when do jumping jacks and people yelling in your face stop you from wanting to shag? Heres ab idea, why not just show them the miracle of childbirth vid, stare them right in the face when its over and say:

“…you think your vagina is wide enough for that? I dont think so. Not at 14 it isnt.”

THAT’S shock therapy.