Monthly Archive for November, 2008

Why Mrs. Doubtfire is one of the most underrated movies of all time

A father loses his children in a custody battle. He loves his children. Loves them more than god (whom he never mentions so I must assume hes an atheist). He wont let the law get in his way so what does he do?

Dresses up as a 60 yr old english women and becomes their nanny.

Many would call this movie some sort of glorification of drag queenism. I call it a genius. I call it the very reason why the West 4th street station is alright in my book. Despite all the balls dangling from the short skirts.

Yea I said it.

Mrs. Doubtfire shows us that you gotta do what you gotta do. No matter how degrading. No matter how uncomfortable. Would I wear a pair of tits and make up in order to see my kids? No. And this makes me a flawed person. Mrs. Doubtfire points out this very apparent fact. The fact that Im not willing to do what I gotta do in order to get it done.

This movie should be shown in highschools across the universe (another great movie) to show kids that if you arent willing to do what it takes, then they arent worth feeding. All the while theyre laughing at all the hilarious antics. But…theyre learning.

Mrs. Doubtfire also contains one of the greatest movie moments in history. I wont get into it in great detail, because Im sure most of you have seen this movie, but it can be described in one sentence:

“Holy crap…the nanny pees standing up.”

The camera angle
The kids face
The fact that Robin Williams bolted out of the bathroom and there is no way he got his penis back into his suit

Note : I only realized this recently. For the entire conversation, he pretty much has his penis out under his dress. All I can think whenever I see that scene is “wow that must be extremely uncomfortable. In front of his kids and all.”

But I digress.

There is no graceful way for a man to take off his pants

Sex is inherently awkward.

There are so many things that can happen in bed to make it a little more goofy than you intended. Falling off of the bed, attempting some new maneuver that just falls flat, trying to climax on her but missing and hitting the bed instead thus creating more laundry for the bed owner (I hope my little sister isnt reading this) so forth and so on.

But these things can generally be avoided if you just pay attention a little. But as the subject title states, there’s no graceful way for a man to remove his pants.

Ive often tried to change up my methods for this necessary act and have fallen flat every time. I once tried comically kicking them off only to knock down about 6 picture frames sitting on the dresser across the room. The crash and crackle of it all caused me to lose my erection.

I still havent recovered.

Sorry ladies.

The problem, more often than not, lies with the socks. For example, they drastically changed my intended pant trajectory and caused them to hurtle towards the dresser in what can only be describe as a not so lethal gunshot to the mini family and friend photo display mentioned above.

My socks cause me to get stuck at that oh so crucial moment where you’re just about to get them off and continue on your merry way. But the struggle can be intense. Lasting minimum 15 seconds all the while youre coming to the realization that all you really had to do was take your socks off and you wouldve been fine. God forbid you let out a fart because of all the straining.

This has never happened to me but Im only 23 and this pretty much solidifies the fact that this WILL happen at some point in my life … and that scares me.

[/off topic rant]

The fact of the matter is that every situation that you fear most will become a reality at some point. Its never a matter of ‘if’ but a matter of ‘when’ especially if you REALLY dont want it to happen. The trick is to ask for it, expect it, and chances are it will never come to pass. I wake up every morning saying:

“I hope I gets the AIDS or other various STDs today” and you know what?

Im clean.

*Above method probably wont work and youre a fool to think it would.*

[/second off topic rant]

So in conclusion:

Take off your socks.

Facebook made me Bi

I swear there’s no better way to say “I can’t find a man” than to put that youre married to your best [girl] friend on facebook.

This is becoming a rather widespread trend and Im a bit tired of seeing it. So much that Id consider going back and tearing apart the very fabric of time in my effort to stop it. Nevertheless, it DOES have its benefits

more on that later…

I guess the motivation of such an act is to say “Hey look it, me and my bff are oh soooo close, seriously, that we are like in love and like wanna be like married on facebook. Guys stay away we dont need you”. But all I see is “There have been roughly 5 guys in a row that have been ‘not that into me’ so Im gonna force my friend to say shes married to me.”

Thats.about.it.

And I always find myself feeling sorry for the unsuspecting friend who would have never even thought to do this but signed into facebook one day and saw the proposal.

I see her looking at the invite
sighing
and clicking yes just so her unwanted friend wont kill herself.

*despite the fact that said friend would probably be better off*

But, the implementation of such things is making it easier and easier to weed out the crap. We used to have to “gauge”. First impression on the first date, how good was the conversation, was she interesting, did she wear deodorant, did she put out on the first date (instant red flag … a sexy one but a red flag nonetheless).

Not anymore.

Friend : Hey dude what happened with whats her face?
Me : Couldnt deal with her
Friend : Why?
Me : She was pretending to be a dike on facebook

Indeed…