Please stop trying to look at my penis

Not quite sure how it is in the prissy* world of the girls bathroom but in the mens room we have a certain thing Id like to call bathroom etiquette.

Unwritten rules that have been passed down from generation to generation that have somehow remained unspoken. Upon entering a bathroom, we generally know what to do and more importantly what NAWT to do without having to be told. Its like how lions know to hunt gazelles. Pure instinct.

Thats a movie reference but I have no idea where I got it from nor do I know what a gazelle looks like nor do I know if Im spelling it right nor do I feel like checking mmkay Im rambling.

But there are still a choice few that still dont “get it”. A choice few that insist on making my trip to the bathroom slightly more uncomfortable than it has to be. There are three crucial rules I see broken just about every time I enter a public restroom and it must…MUST stop.

STOP LOOKING ME IN THE EYE

Brief glances are ok. We’re human and often times its unavoidable I understand that. But prolonged stares say to me but one thing:

“I wanna have sex with you in the furthermost stall”

No sir. I wont have that.

STOP LEAVING YOUR PUBES ON THE URINAL RIM

Im not 100% how ones pubes fall out but at least 3 times a week I’ll walk into the bathroom and see pubes all over the place. Not only do I have stare at your still pube sitting there TAUTING me, but Im tortured with the temporary flash of inner inquirialistic happen stance asking myself “I wonder whose that is”.

Its a weird thought.

STOP TRYING TO TALK TO ME WHILE WE’RE PEEING

Its weird.

Its weird is all. It weird peeing next to someone who’s holding their mcjohnson in their hands and is still trying to stand there and ask me how my day is going. But people try. And the only way I can respond is by thinking to myself “eyes forward Hawkins…eyes forward”.

It also makes me uncomfortable because in the back of my mind Im wondering to myself “is he using this conversation as an excuse to take a peek at my jen-ee-tals?”

Probably. But I dont ask.

Eyes forward

* Actually Im not quite sure how “prissy” it is in there. A co-worker walked in today with a look of disgust and told us about how some girl pooped on the toilet seat. How someone could manage such a thing is beyond me.